I want to write more on here, I really do.

But for the last few months I’ve been snagged by all the little issues that writing about my life in on public place bring.

Especially since my job encompasses about 85% of my life right now. Actually make that 90%.

I am learning everyday.

If there is one thing that this last year has taught me it is how full of mess and failing and general not-awesomeness, I really am.

Last winter when I was up here I felt it. I always knew “experiences” are supposed to change you. And often we picture that change as hard and uncomfortable, maybe, but very grand and something that is really nice to say and makes a great Facebook status. “I’ve been so stretched and changed!”

Those first few months I found out what it really feels like. I haven’t been stretched and changed. I had my insides, my preconceived notions of myself, who I thought I was, kinda ripped out, shown to the world, and picked apart into little pieces. Granted, they don’t stay like that. Eventually everything fits back together again, but the shape is always different.

Grand could be a giant pink balloon that’s lost all its helium. Finally you just stomp on it and throw it out.

I am learning.

Learning how to relax. How to lean into it all, and not fight it.
Learning when to take breaks.
Learning that God doesn’t love me more or less for what I do.

Learning when to say yes and when to say no and when to say, “Maybe next week”
Learning how its okay to say I’m lonely some days.
Learning how to embrace the life I am experiencing while grieving parts of life I am missing.
Learning to let a bad day be a bad day and not beat my heart up over it.

And the best part of it is that God and these dear wonderful people of Slate still love me and give me cookies and have me over for tea, even when I mess up.

Well, God doesn’t give me cookies or tea….. (wait, hold on, actually, I guess He does. Hello Esta. Yes, that’s right He does. Thanks God for tea and for the cookies at the police station.)


(sheesh, Esta)